A few months ago we received a complaint from a man who joined SexyAds.com seeking a crossdresser. (I can’t make up stories better than the real thing.) The guy is married but would like a little on the side, according to the ad he placed. We do not censor any ads other than to delete anyone posting anything illegal and we remove personally identifying information. If someone wants to be stupid, they have a right to be we figure. Anyway, on to the man’s complaint.

He posted his ad listing specifically what he was looking for and he attached 11 photos to his profile. He had listed his locality near him but not in his town because he needed to be discreet but it wasn’t more than 10 miles away. (So WHY did he attach 11 photos for everyone to see? He could have made them by invitation only.)

His complaint? He said he was in a miserable mess and it was all our fault. He expected privacy on a site like ours and a friend of his wife saw his photo and told her about it. The wife created a membership as a cross dresser and played him for a few weeks and then agreed to meet him. You can imagine the rest. She did meet him along with her private investigator and ended up suing him for divorce. I’m the queen of online dating but even I couldn’t help him out of that one.

Let this be a lesson to anyone considering cheating. If you are unhappy in your relationship, do something about it. Work to make it better, get a trial separation to see if you miss each other, end the relationship or stay where you are and accept that it’s not going to get any better. If you do decide to “get a little on the side” like this guy did, don’t be stupid. Don’t post identifying photos or write your online profile so that anyone could identify you with just a bit of effort.

I got an email today from a woman who told me that her partner that she’d been with for nearly 2 1/2 years was under a lot of pressure at work and got drunk and had sex with a co-worker. Not only that, but he continued to see her until his partner caught them together. She said he broke down and cried like a baby and apologized and said he would never see the woman again if only he could be forgiven.

Will he cheat again?

I suspect the guy cried because he got caught and all the excitement from a clandestine relationship was flying out the window. If all it took was a bit of stress and some alcohol to trigger this episode, then sadly, I have to say what’s past is prologue and he’ll cheat again when the conditions are right.

Does every cheater cheat again and again?

No, it’s not 100% certain that it will happen again and only you can answer the question of whether you give him (or her) another chance. If it happened to me and I really loved him, I’d give him another chance. I know it’s risking putting my heart on the table and waiting for the knife to stab a big fat hole into it, but that’s the sort of person I am. If I got cheated on twice, I’d take the knife and chase him until I cut his nuts off to go on my keychain.

This is a really touchie subject for a lot of people because depending upon which partner you ask, they are both right. If the husband is flirting online the wife feels betrayed. I can understand how she’d feel that way, too. He’s talking about intimate subjects with another woman when he should be talking to his wife. Then you talk with the husband about why he’s spending time with another woman online and the anger blurs a bit. Here’s one guy’s reply to me:

I’m a happily married man in most every aspect of my life, every aspect except my sexual life. There is none. My wife loves me, of that I’m sure, but she doesn’t want me in the way that a woman can want a man. She says she’s too tired or not feeling well or one of the kids might come in and didn’t already we do this one day this week? That’s not enough for me.

I won’t physically cheat on her but aren’t I entitled to some bit of intimacy in my life? She can’t say we haven’t talked about it, we do all the time - til I’m as blue in the face as I am in the balls. She ends up calling me a pervert for wanting sex a few times a month. I’m not obsessive about it but it feels really really good to be physically loved that way.

So I chat with women online. Some are like me and their husbands are no longer interested in sex or they’re single mothers who feel stuck at home all the time but aren’t dead from the waist down.

So what do you do? The comment could just as well have been from a woman because the cheater is not always male. Are they wrong? If your partner doesn’t want you even a few times a month should you give up on a sexual life forever? Personally I couldn’t imagine it. Two bodies - skin to skin, moving together in joyful harmony - don’t get me started or we’ll be here all day!

If you’re worried that your partner or spouse might be having an online affair which *might* break into real life there are a few questions to ask yourself to see if your relationship might be at risk. If it is, have a good look in a mirror to see if there is any reason you might take the blame for their needing affection and intimacy from outside the relationship. (this is not always the case, there are heaps of serial cheaters out there, so I’m not blaming every spouse for what their other half does!)

1. Does your partner use chatrooms more than an hour a day?
2. Do you find yourself in bed alone waiting for a cuddle while your spouse is talking with someone else?
3. If you walk in on them while they’re chatting do they immediately change windows?
4. Do they only chat when they’re in a room alone?
5. Do they spend more time on the computer than they do with you and the family?
6. Do they come to bed so late that getting up for work is difficult or they’re grumpy because of lack of sleep?

If you could answer yes to a few of these then chances are your spouse is looking for intimacy online. Remember that they aren’t meeting someone in person but for many that’s a small consolation. Get the mirror out and see what you could do to show that you are still in love and want to get that spark back into your relationship. There are plenty of ways to get some attention but that’s a post for a different day!

For most of us the answer is a simple and emphatic NO, but is that reality? Let’s say you and your husband or wife are having a few problems. Money is tight, tempers flare, you’re not agreeing on how to raise the children, her parents are interfering, the bill collectors call, you never compliment each other and frankly while you still love each other, you don’t like each other at all at the moment. (Phew!) You’ve lost all desire for sex with this person. How do you feel now about cheating? Still no?

Let’s say then that all of the above situation is still true and a new person comes to work where you do and you start taking a coffee break at the same time every day. You like this person because he or she is kind, respectful, interesting, and is a bit of a flirt. You haven’t had anyone treat you like this for a long, long time. You haven’t forgotten you’re married but this attention feels SO good, you continue to meet for breaks. Then one day you’re invited along for a sandwich at a cafe and you go. On the way back to work this person leans over and kisses your cheek - just a soft little peck on the cheek. Nothing serious, just a peck to say I really enjoyed this time together.

Moving down the timeline two weeks and now you’re regularly meeting for lunch, sharing intimate bits of your lives and still getting that peck on the cheek, only today you turn your face in anticipation of the peck and you kiss for the first time. It’s passionate and you both know you want more. You set a date and meet for your first sexual encounter.

That’s how it happens for many people. They don’t set out to have an affair. It’s a combination of a lot of little increments of familiarity and then whoosh - you’re in a situation where you have already been emotionally unfaithful and the physical infidelity is just a step away.

So what do you do now? Do you say, “well I’ve done the deed once, I might as well continue, nobody else wants me.” Maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not.

You have a lot of options. It’s probably not too late to save your relationship if you end the affair now. For most women it’s not the sexual act that’s the most insulting — it’s the emotional infidelity. If you’re a man, sharing your secrets with another woman is often more hurtful, so any hope for the relationship means you’ll have to break all ties to the new woman. If you’re a woman, it’s that you were naked with another man in places on your body only your husband should have gone.

Think back about life with your spouse, not just recently but from the time you got together.

• Overall have they been happy times?
• Have you felt valued and respected for what you bring to the relationships (apart from now because your spouse doesn’t like you much as you remember)?
• Do you still find your spouse sexually attractive?
• When you have sex do you feel physically satisfied?

If you can, try to imagine living apart from this person. Can you imagine that you’d be happy - alone. Not with the new person but can you imagine life without your spouse in the picture?

Answering these questions for yourself will help you to decide what is right for you. Honestly, you can only judge what’s right for you as your spouse must decide for him or herself what’s right for them.

I know I’ll get slammed for not saying that when you got married you made a commitment and even if you are miserably unhappy you should stay there, but I’m not going to say it. I don’t think we win any prizes in the hereafter for wearing a badge of martyrdom. We came into the world alone and we’re going to go out alone and while it’s wonderful to find someone to share our lives with, ultimately decisions about our happiness are our own to make.